I walked my dog today. She has been depressed lately. Whether it's due the heat, her obesity or her realization that she has a small cerebral cortex, I don't know. She spent her day moving from room to room, taking short naps here and there. It's kind of a pathetic life if you think about it...nothing to do all day but eat and sleep. I felt bad so I took the poor beast for a walk around the block. I made things clear to her before we left. "Lucy," I said, laying down the law, "you are only allowed one bowel movement per walk. I do not wish to pick up your poopoo." She seemed to understand so we continued out the door. We hadn't even rounded the first corner when she decided it was time. I looked sternly at her asking her if she really wanted to use up her excrement privileges so soon in our journey. She said "yes" but it wasn't very convincing. And lo and behold, she was lying. She took a crap at every driveway. Honestly, you'd think she'd never had a colon before. "First day with your new asshole?" I asked angrily. Let me add that these were no ordinary terds...they were the size of a small child...they could have passed for the 8th world wonder. Lucy should have won a frickin medal for the amount of excrement she left on the streets of Newton. I followed behind the squatting animal, cleaning her trail. I kept telling myself over and over again..."You are not her bitch, you are not her bitch...in fact..she is yours." But I wasn't convinced, since I was the one on my hands and knees picking up her feces.

I was glad I brought a bag. I almost felt proud carrying the bag of crap with me. I felt like a good neighbor. Honestly, in what other situation do you feel like a model citizen carrying a plastic bag of excrement around with you. "Oh look at her...carrying that disgusting bag full of doo...what a wonderful neighbor she is...I'm so glad we live next to her."

In the homestretch, I saw a box next to a sign that said 'free stuff.' I thought of how funny it would be to drop my bag in there. Of course I didn't because that would be horrible and mean and I would never do that...but the thought made me laugh. Just think about it. "Look honey a box of free stuff...lets look through it...oh would you look at this...wait a minute, whats this? It looks like..." I wouldn't be such a good neighbor anymore.

In conclusion, my dog is out of control. Her bowels could be a danger to the environment and the city of Newton. She must be stopped...now.